The most important relationship of all
Knowing me, knowing you
"Don't talk to yourself" they
said. I wouldn't if the voices in my head would go silent. And I mean voices,
plural. I have a Bosnian and a British girl living inside of me. I think
Bosnian is the dominant one, but that's not to say that the British girl is
oppressed. In fact, it seems that when someone does something stupid that makes
me very angry, if the British girl gets a word in in the first 10 seconds,
chances are she will calm the tempest that is the Bosnian girl and I might just
deal with the situation calmly. However, if the British girl falls asleep and
doesn't react in the first 10 seconds, chances are the Bosnian girl will act
the only way she knows how - objects flying across the room, no sense of fear
or even consequences. Then there are times when the British girl says to the
Bosnian girl inside of me "You know what, you take this one." That's
when I'm at my most dangerous. The Bosnian girl is like grateful for the trust
that the British girl has show her, so she keeps the cool, but there is no
sense of fear or consequences, and due to clarity of mind, she can argue her
way to Judgement Day.
Then, of course, there is the little girl. She comes to life at a sight
of anything that takes me back to my childhood - "Oh my goodness, look! A seesaw!" And there is me, trying to fight off the excitement, hoping, praying it isn't visible. How would I explain it to anyone? She
also has a habit of judging me after I've done something "Check you out
telling that big dude off. He could have punched your lights out." I can
hear her. She is loud. But can I talk back? Oh no! That would be talking to
myself. Yet I really want to tell her "What do you mean 'he could have
punched YOUR lights out'? You are me. He punches me, he punches you." Oh,
well, now that I have said this to her, she's laughing and saying "Yeah,
but it don't hurt me." She's right. It wouldn't hurt her, it would hurt
me. So unfair. So many voices I carry inside, listening to them all day long,
yet they don't feel the pain I feel. Clearly, though they are part of me, they
are not me. They are not the whole of me. What is whole of me? Who 'is' me?
Me is not a voice. Me is a feeling making
it's way through all the other voices. Me is the source and life of the other
voices. They get shaped by what I am feeling, and what I feel is a product of
my experiences. I was hurt, so I grew... I was humbled, so I developed... I was
rejected, so I created...
My voices are the part of me that lets me know that I have done better
than survived, I have evolved. Sometimes they make no sense. Sometimes they are
annoying. But they are always loyal. They are always honest. How could I not
love me, when I have created voices of loyalty and honesty, to fight the
battles of this life that we all face? While I battle with me, battles of life
do not seem so bad. And isn’t that what life is all about? To be loyal and
honest with yourself, to have courage when needed, to be patient otherwise, and
to enjoy life, lough at yourself, make fun as if you were still a child.
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